Dear Media,
It's come to my attention that some of our smallest group of educators ( no more than a dozen or two), also known as ATRs, have been labeled drunks, perverts, peddlers, and lemons. I happen to know for a fact not one of them are lemons, vegetables or minerals. They are all human beings (to the best of my knowledge) with the same urges that may lurk in all of us. We no longer have teacher cafeterias -so alcohol is not openly served to the staff and is not an issue. Our discipline code has banned chains and whips. We are looking closely at handing out spinners to ATRs so their hands will be occupied and visable at all times. We are also asking them to refrain from wearing raincoats and use only umbrellas during raining days. As for peddlers, some teachers do opt to ride their bicycles to work. I don't know what your problem is with that! I strongly uphold their right to do so! We are working hard to get these teachers back in the classroom, but in case we can't -we have a plan B. Our President, #45, is bringing back coal consumption. In order to show unity with our coal miner union brother and sisters we are re-retrofitting our boiler rooms for coal. Shoveling coal to keep our schools at a comfortable 99 degrees is an important and vital job. It will keep our ATRs in tip top shape in case a vacancy should open up.
So please show some respect, we are doing all we can to get rid of them. We've even offered them $50,000 to leave. Please, if you wonderful media folk decide to write any more about ATRs, please refrain from criticizing me in any way - as I find it very hurtful, unfair and upsetting. I'm sure the ATRs don't mind it at all.
Best Regards,
Mike
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